what am i doing?

Every now and then I have to stop and ask myself 'Just what in hell do you think you're doing?' I'm at work right now and I'm prepared for the rest of my day. All photocopied and prepped and notes on the board. Sometimes I think my occupation is far more responsible than I ever reflect in my personal life. This has been a troubling thought residing in the back of my mind for a few years now, my lack of maturity and unwillingness to grow up in a conventional sense. Some might say it's what makes me interesting to know. Some might say it's what makes me irritating to know. I don't know. One gal in grade nine told me today, in fact that its cool the way I act like I'm fifteen or so. Time to rethink my behavior.
I was in a conversation with another teacher this weekend -talking shop, as you do when you're an aquaintance. For a moment we got off the topic of school and I told him about my step sisters wedding. He asked how old she was and I said 36. He was taken aback and said 'Wow, a late bloomer!' And I thought, 'Mothereffer! Am I a late bloomer?' I'd never thought of it that way. I thought I was sort of lucky to be the one on staff who gets to go home have a snack and nap for an hour or two then do some art work and maybe join a pal for glass of wine or go to a movie. Not pick up the kids and make supper and read stories and then drive to boy scouts and back and make lunches and help with homework. I know these things must be fulfulling for some people because a lot of people seem to want to do them. Good for them. I on the other hand...
I don't really think I want to be married. I'm not very good at fidelity. Or relationships period, for that matter. Its probably for the best that I haven't had any real serious relationships for the past few years. My head has been in a real bad space for the past ten or fifteen, so there you are. This leads me to the weekend which ultimately leads me to my question of just what in hell I think I'm doing. Egad.
It culminated today with a noon hour stealth mission to the local pub to pick up my purse which was so carelessly left in a bathroom stall with a 300$ cell phone inside. I'm an idiot. And I also adore people who turn in my purse.
Events on the weekend also lead me to rethink also the men in my life. I make poor choices. For what reasons? Absent father? Headstrong mother? Adoption / Abandonment issues? Poor self-esteem? For whatever reasons I once again find myself in a rather dumb situation with another young man. The age thing doesn't bother me whatsoever. In fact it seems to makes it easier to not commit to any sort of relationship past the physical. Which I think suits me just fine for now. I like my life. However you know, I seem to favor these impossible relationships whereby they either live 3000 miles away, are completely useless as a functional adult, or have so many issues they rival me in the emotionally retarded division. So early in the a.m. Sat. I get a phone call that was for all intent and purpose, welcome. The boy comes over but is all bleeding from the knuckles and upset at his father or a girlfriend or what ever the case may be. yeesh. Way to pick em idiot. This is behavior that isn't acceptable to women ten years younger than I am. Why would I? Poor self esteem? I want to save the boy? Devil wine? Lonliness? A mixture of all of the above? I hate rethinking my life. It makes me feel sorrowful for all the stupid things I do. And there are a lot of them. I'm going home to recharge my cell, have a snack and maybe read a book.